Britain is *Repossessing the U.S.A.
A Message from John Cleese
To the citizens of the *United States of America:
In light *of your failure to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and *thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your *independence, effective immediately.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen *Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, *and territories (except Kansas , which she does not fancy).
Your new *prime minister, Gordon Brown, will appoint a governor for America without the *need for further elections.
Congress and the Senate will be *disbanded.
A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine *whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown *Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate *effect:
You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English *Dictionary.
1. Then look up aluminium, and check the pronunciation *guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing *it.
2. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and *'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping *half the letters, and the suffix -ize will be replaced by the suffix *-ise.
Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to *acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
3. Using the same *twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and "you *know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.
There *is no such thing as US English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The *Microsoft spell- checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated *letter 'u' and the elimination of -ize. You will relearn your original *national anthem, God Save The Queen.
4. July 4th will no longer be *celebrated as a holiday.
5. You will learn to resolve personal issues *without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many *lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be *independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult *enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist *then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.
6. Therefore, you will *no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable *peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in *public.
7. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this *is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what *we mean.
8. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and *you will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, *you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion *tables.
Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the *British sense of humour.
9. The Former USA will adopt UK prices on *petrol (which you have been calling gasoline)-roughly $6/US gallon. Get used *to it.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call *French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato *chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal *fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.
11. The cold *tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. *Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and *European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. *
South African beer is also acceptable as they are pound for pound the *greatest sporting Nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are *also part of British Commonwealth - see what it did for them.
12. Hollywood will be required *occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be *required to cast English actors to play English characters.
Watching *Andie McDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an *experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.
13. *You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper *football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be *allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but *does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full *kevlar body Armour like a bunch of nancies). Don't try Rugby - the South *Africans and Kiwis will thrash you, like they regularly thrash us.
14. *Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event *called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. *Since only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, *your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face *the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.
15. *You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.
16. An *internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will *be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to *1776).
17. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 pm with proper cups, *never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; strawberries in *season.
God save *the Queen.
Only He can.
John Cleese
too long didnt read
that was amazing. This list should be put to practice.
LMFAO!!! I would fucking LOVE to see that happen...really......... ::) Compton ass English people...hahahahaha
the queen doesnt fancy kansas
Well I know Prince William comes to Nashville often to see a certain "girl",and the Queen goes to Kentucky for the derby...I think the same suspicions would surround the Queen like the JFK ones if she took away 4th of July. Dont think she's too familiar with the patriotic redneck. lol
well if the british did reposses the us, there would be no need for independence day, now would there?
Disagree. You have people that grew up in families that fought in wars and died,and would like to commemorate them. 4th of July is a patriotic day for that,not just independence. And if she took that away, the "former" US people would bring a Jihad down on her ass.
calm down there cupcake it's only satirical comedy.. no need to get huffy
Hahah
Noah Webster FTW
Oh and this is why we have the 2nd amendment. Even though I probably could take most of the UK with a vegetable peeler.
Im surprised they did not demand that we stop our orthodontic practices though. As the British obviously are against it.
*snarf*
Quote from: devilinside on Feb 26, 2008, 05:46 PM
Disagree. You have people that grew up in families that fought in wars and died,and would like to commemorate them. 4th of July is a patriotic day for that,not just independence. And if she took that away, the "former" US people would bring a Jihad down on her ass.
The British dont like the 4th because it is a painful reminder as to how idiotic they fought wars. Oh and that for once France did something with their military that actually impacted the British.
(http://www.monkeyboy.ws/photos/uncategorized/john_cleese_copyright_by_mathias_bothor.jpg)
for the BLOODY win
Quote from: Variable on Feb 26, 2008, 05:53 PM
Quote from: devilinside on Feb 26, 2008, 05:46 PM
Disagree. You have people that grew up in families that fought in wars and died,and would like to commemorate them. 4th of July is a patriotic day for that,not just independence. And if she took that away, the "former" US people would bring a Jihad down on her ass.
The British dont like the 4th because it is a painful reminder as to how idiotic they fought wars. Oh and that for once France did something with their military that actually impacted the British.
Used a rifle??
you two are derailing my FUNNY
BANNED
Now this is not true! We are discussing the topic at hand..honey!
Quote from: devilinside on Feb 26, 2008, 05:54 PM
Quote from: Variable on Feb 26, 2008, 05:53 PM
Quote from: devilinside on Feb 26, 2008, 05:46 PM
Disagree. You have people that grew up in families that fought in wars and died,and would like to commemorate them. 4th of July is a patriotic day for that,not just independence. And if she took that away, the "former" US people would bring a Jihad down on her ass.
The British dont like the 4th because it is a painful reminder as to how idiotic they fought wars. Oh and that for once France did something with their military that actually impacted the British.
Used a rifle??
Next to Napoleons short lived success. Can you name another time in history that the French delivered a blow to the British?
Moulin Rouge....duh!! ;)
Right right. My only point was that siding with us colonialist has worked out pretty well for the french
I have no desire to go to France,other than going to see Jim Morrison's grave that has been trashed. But thats completely off topic. My bad.
*smacks hand*
yeah but our conversation is actually more entertaining than that stupid letter.
sure it is
Im almost certain that you are not British. Only someone from Britain could find that funny. Kind of like the original "the office" garbage.
Couldn't you just see the "average" American in this?
(http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa227/ribbons7/Vehicles/94dcre2.jpg)
why couldnt any american find that funny? i did, and i'm far from british.
...well? did it happen? did your world just cave in on itself? chill the fuck out man.
caaaaaaaalm down honey!! Scenarios! You posted kind of a "what if" thingy,and I responded with an "as if" thingy. thingy.
Quote from: devilinside on Feb 26, 2008, 06:27 PM
Couldn't you just see the "average" American in this?
(http://i202.photobucket.com/albums/aa227/ribbons7/Vehicles/94dcre2.jpg)
I could see steve urkle in that.
Quote from: lithium on Feb 26, 2008, 06:32 PM
...well? did it happen? did your world just cave in on itself? chill the fuck out man.
lol, ok
Quote from: Variable on Feb 26, 2008, 06:26 PM
Kind of like the original "the office" garbage.
WHAT!?
G A R B A G E
best post i've ever read. thanks.
Quote from: Variable on Feb 26, 2008, 06:26 PM
Im almost certain that you are not British. Only someone from Britain could find that funny. Kind of like the original "the office" garbage.
rofl you moron
Bullocks
(http://www.oneposter.com/UserData/Poster/Poster_26328.jpg)
Ha ha, this was awesome...
And so is the ministry of silly walks...
Monthy Python is just so great....
And Variable, do check back your history lessons (even though I'm sure you never studied that), but French did win wars over England numerous times in the past...
Of course, as it happened more than 100 years ago, you american are clueless about it, but it nonetheless did happen... ;)
Quote from: tarkil on Feb 27, 2008, 06:56 AM
Ha ha, this was awesome...
And so is the ministry of silly walks...
Monthy Python is just so great....
And Variable, do check back your history lessons (even though I'm sure you never studied that), but French did win wars over England numerous times in the past...
Of course, as it happened more than 100 years ago, you american are clueless about it, but it nonetheless did happen... ;)
I said significant.
And I said do check back your history lessons... ;)
But I understand that "significant" may have a different meaning in the US, a meaning like significant = US related...
I guess you may want to check a dictionary too.... ;)
Just admit that you were a personal punching bad for the British empire. Yeah you may get a punch or two in. But in the end you were just a piece of meat for them to tenderize
(http://www.firstpeople.us/pictures/wolves/monty/Sidra_Yawns_C24S3998.jpg)
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/thumb/7/75/Bristol.zoo.lion.yawns.arp.jpg/800px-Bristol.zoo.lion.yawns.arp.jpg)
(http://www.birdsasart.com/Hippo-Yawn.jpg)
(http://www.dkimages.com/discover/previews/885/40005553.JPG)
You get the message or you need more biatch ?
:)
Gold
that was quite good. it was witty and funny.