I'm bored and I know i'm not the only one so.....
This morning as I was buttoning my shirt, a button fell off. After that, I picked up my briefcase, and the handle fell off. Then I went to open the door, and the doorknob fell off. I went to get into my car, and the door handle came off in my hand. Now I'm afraid to pee.
;D
Q: How do you get a zombie baby into a bowl?
A: A blender.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Doritos.
I'm not laughing.
haha, good one Jacob, good one....
I find it fuckin hilarious that I'm -18 8)
I want to BUTT BANG YOU.
My butt is waiting for the bang ;) :D
btw..just out of curiosity...Why am I the most smited member on the board? I mean if you guys are trying to hurt my feelings you're not succeeding cause i actually think this is funny shit..but I'd just like to know you guys honest answer. Be straight w/ me i'm a big girl i can handle it. 8)
ya'll are a bunch of pussies! go ahead smite me as many times as you can..i'll just sit back and laugh. fuckers
im not racist, but this is a great joke
why aren't there any black people in the flinstones?
they were still monkeys then
why aren't they in the jetsons?
who cares, as long as they arent in the future
you may not be racist...
but those jokes are.
heres one:
a dude fucks a 10 dollar whore and gets crabs .....he says "BITCH...you gave me crabs" she says " For 10 dolllars what did you expect Jon ? Lobster?"
A Mother had three virgin daughters. They were all getting married, and mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started. She made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex was going.
The first daughter sent a card from her honeymoon in Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". At first mom was puzzled, but she went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said: "Good til the last drop." Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.
The second girl sent her card from Vermont a week after the wedding. The card said only: "Benson & Hedges". Mom went to the drawer where her husband kept his cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack: "Extra Long. King Size". Again mom was slightly embarrassed, but she was happy for her daughter.
The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Mom started to get really worried. Then after a month, the card finally arrived. Written on it with shaky hand writing were the words "British Airways".
Mom took out her latest Harpers Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said: "Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."
Mom fainted ....
Found these ones just now. some pretty funny ones.
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a walrus?
One is wet, fishy and has a moustache, and the other is a walrus!
What does an Essex girl use for protection during sex?
A bus shelter!
What do you call an Essex girl with a runny nose?
Full!
What's the difference between an Essex girl and a cream egg?
A cream egg costs 20p to lick out!
Why did the blind EG sit on the newspaper?
So she could lip-read!
Haha!Nice one man.
Quote from: TheProzacFairy on Feb 15, 2006, 02:48 AM
btw..just out of curiosity...Why am I the most smited member on the board? I mean if you guys are trying to hurt my feelings you're not succeeding cause i actually think this is funny shit..but I'd just like to know you guys honest answer. Be straight w/ me i'm a big girl i can handle it. 8)
I hav'nt smited you but did'nt you actually post 2-3 times you wanted to be smited by everyone?
will someone please applaud me for those jokes.
Quote from: minus_blindfold on Feb 15, 2006, 10:31 AM
will someone please applaud me for those jokes.
yea man those essex girl ones were gold.
(http://www.jokefile.co.uk/rude_jokes/pictures/random_670.jpg)
Quote from: fireflyry on Feb 15, 2006, 10:19 AM
Haha!Nice one man.
Quote from: TheProzacFairy on Feb 15, 2006, 02:48 AM
btw..just out of curiosity...Why am I the most smited member on the board? I mean if you guys are trying to hurt my feelings you're not succeeding cause i actually think this is funny shit..but I'd just like to know you guys honest answer. Be straight w/ me i'm a big girl i can handle it. 8)
I hav'nt smited you but did'nt you actually post 2-3 times you wanted to be smited by everyone?
no that was DeftonesATF27, I just mentioned that I thought it was funny that i was the most smited.
knock knock
who's there
little boy blue
little boy blue who?
michael jackson
(that's right. it's old, but still funny)
Quote from: TheProzacFairy on Feb 15, 2006, 04:55 PM
no that was DeftonesATF27, I just mentioned that I thought it was funny that i was the most smited.
Oh....my bad. :-[
(http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/8711/chickenjoke3cq0rp0jz.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
Creation of a pussy
Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,
created a pussy to their design.
First was a butcher, with smart wit,
using a knife, he gave it a slit,
Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,
with a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,
Third was a tailor, tall and thin,
by using red velvet, he lined it within,
Fourth was a hunter, short and stout,
with a piece of fox fur, he lined it without,
Fifth was a fisherman, nasty as hell,
threw in a fish and gave it a smell,
Sixth was a preacher, whose name was McGee,
touched it and blessed it, and said it could pee,
Last was a sailor, dirty little runt,
who sucked it and fucked it, and called it a cunt.
A sixty year old man walks into a drug store and walks up to the girl at the checkout counter. He asks her,
"Do you sell condoms here?"
"Sure. What size are you?"
"I don't know," he replies.
"Well, just let me check," the cashier says. She unzips his pants, takes a feel, and then says over the intercom,
"Extra large condoms to the checkout counter please. Extra large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Later, a thirty year old man walks into the store and up to the checkout counter. He asks the girl,
"Do you sell condoms here?"
The cashier replies, "Sure. What size do you need?"
"Well, I don't know."
"Allow me to check for you," she says as she unzips his pants and takes a couple of tugs. She then says over the intercom,
"Large condoms to the checkout counter please. Large condoms to the checkout counter."
A clerk returns with some condoms. The man pays for them and leaves the store.
Some time later, a fifteen year old boy, hoping to get lucky, walks up to the girl at the checkout counter and asks sheepishly,
"Um, ah, do you guys sell condoms here?"
"Yep," she says. "What size do you need?"
"I don't know," he says nervously.
"Allow me to check for you," she says. The cashier unzips his pants for a feel, pauses for a moment and then says over the intercom,
"Clean up at the checkout counter please. Clean up at the checkout counter."
I love the 2 first ones...
Before the 2001 inauguration of George W. Bush, he was invited to a "get acquainted tour" of the White House. After drinking several glasses of iced tea, he asked Bill Clinton if he could use his personal bathroom. When he entered Clinton's private toilet, he was astonished to see that President Clinton had a solid gold urinal.
That afternoon, George told his wife, Laura, about the urinal. "Just think," he said, "when I am president, I too could have a gold urinal, too. But I wouldn't do something that indulgent."
Later, when Laura had lunch with Hillary at her tour of the White House, she told Hillary how impressed George had been at his discovery of the fact that, in the President's private bathroom, the President had a gold urinal.
That evening, when Bill and Hillary were getting ready for bed, Hillary smiled, and said to Bill, "I found out who peed in your saxophone."
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Why do females talk more, and males think more?
Males have two heads and females have four lips.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?
The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."
"Onions?"
"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."
This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"
The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
A Christmas tree?
"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."
Hahaha.
A girl from Texas and a girl from New York were seated side by side on an airplane. The girl from Texas, being friendly and all, said: "So, where y'all from?"
The New York girl said, "From a place where they know better than to use a preposition at the end of a sentence."
The girl from Texas sat quietly for a few moments and then replied: "So, where y'all from, bitch?"
Quote from: fireflyry on Feb 16, 2006, 01:17 AM
Quote from: TheProzacFairy on Feb 15, 2006, 04:55 PM
no that was DeftonesATF27, I just mentioned that I thought it was funny that i was the most smited.
Oh....my bad. :-[
(http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/8711/chickenjoke3cq0rp0jz.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
You're getting karma every day from now on for posting that. Hands down the funniest shit I seen in ages.
Hahahahahahahaha great topic!
Yeah let's revive this shit.
Don't really know any good jokes. Or should I say dirty jokes?
Get dirty girl.
I don't know any! Ha can you believe that?
Either do I. ITS ALL GOOD. somebody? anybody?
Yeah I need a good laugh.
A Panda Bear walks into a café and orders a sandwich and a drink. After he is finished eating, the waiter comes over to bring him the check. When the waiter arrives at the table, he just starts to ask 'Would you like any des...' Then the Panda Bear reaches into his fur, pulls out a gun, and shoots the waiter dead. The Panda Bear then wipes off his chin with his napkin, gets up, and starts to walk out. Just as he is about to go through the door, the manager grabs him. 'Wait a minute!' he yells, 'You just killed my best waiter! Besides that, you didn't even pay for your sandwich!'
the Panda Bear grasps the manager by the throat, jacks him up, and growls, 'Hey man! I'm a PANDA! Do you know what that means? Why don't you look it up!'
at this the Panda walks out the door and ambles down the street.
the manager, shaken, returns to his office and consults a dictionary. He reads:
'panda - a large mammal of the Asian mountain forests related to raccoons and true bears and characterized by bold black and white markings. Eats shoots and leaves.'
Well it wasn't bad... :P
Ha ha, same kind with a koala...
A Koala Bear goes on a curb-crawl and picks up a prostitute. They head back to a hotel room and proceed to get it on. After its all done the Koala hops out of bed and heads toward the door.
The Prostitute pipes up and says, "Hey Bear, where's my money?"
The Koala shrugs.
The Prostitute pulls the dictionary from the night stand, flips through the pages and points the the definition of prostitute, which reads, "prostitute: a person who performs sex for money."
The Koala plucks the book from her hands and flips through the pages and points to another definition, "koala bear: a marsupial that eats bush and leaves."
Come on dudes, get the humour out.
how do you get a 5 year old to cry twice in a row? wipe your bloody cock on her teddybear.
Humour, not smut!
I find that hilarious ;D
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
ole!
Quote from: aenemic on Feb 19, 2006, 11:23 PM
I find that hilarious ;D
I find the fact that I'm listening to I Am A Viking by Yngwie Malmsteen on repeat hilarious. ;)
Quote from: law on Feb 19, 2006, 11:29 PM
There are four kinds of sex :
HOUSE SEX - When you are newly married and have sex all over the house in every room.
BEDROOM SEX - After you have been married for a while, you only have sex in the bedroom.
HALL SEX - After you've been married for many, many years you just pass each other in the hall and say "FUCK YOU"
COURTROOM SEX - When your wife and her lawyer fuck you in the divorce court in front of many people for every penny you've got.
ole!
Haha.
This is better though... I like this one a lot:
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Love or Lust
How do you know if you're in love, lust, or marriage?
LOVE - when your eyes meet across a crowded room.
LUST - when your tongues meet across a crowded room.
MARRIAGE - when your belt won't meet around your waist, and you don't care.
LOVE - when intercourse is called making love.
LUST - all other times.
MARRIAGE - what's intercourse?
LOVE - when you argue over how many children to have.
LUST - when you argue over who gets the wet spot.
MARRIAGE - when you argue over money.
LOVE - when you share everything you own.
LUST - when you think twice about giving your partner bus money.
MARRIAGE - when the bank owns everything.
LOVE - when it doesn't matter if you don't climax.
LUST - when the relationship is over if you don't climax.
MARRIAGE - what's a climax?
LOVE - when you phone each other just to say "Gidday".
LUST - when you phone each other just to organize sex.
MARRIAGE - when you phone each other to find out what time your son's game starts.
LOVE - when you write poems about your partner.
LUST - when all you write is your phone number.
MARRIAGE - when all you write is cheques.
LOVE - when you show concern for your partners' feelings.
LUST - when you couldn't give a shit.
MARRIAGE - when your only concern is what's on TV.
LOVE - when your farewell is "I love you darling ...".
LUST - when your farewell is "So, same time next week?".
MARRIAGE - when your farewell is silent.
LOVE - when you are proud to be seen in public with your partner.
LUST - when you only ever see each other in the bedroom.
MARRIAGE - when you never see each other awake.
LOVE - when your heart flutters every time you see them.
LUST - when your groin twitches every time you see them.
MARRIAGE - when your wallet empties every time you see them.
LOVE - when nobody else matters.
LUST - when nobody else knows.
MARRIAGE - when everybody else matters and you don't care who knows.
LOVE - when all the songs on the radio describe exactly how you feel.
LUST - when it's just the same mushy old shit.
MARRIAGE - when you never listen to music.
LOVE - when breaking up is something you try not to think about.
LUST - when staying together is something you try not to think about.
MARRIAGE - when just getting through today is your only thought.
Quote from: law on Feb 19, 2006, 11:41 PM
This is better though... I like this one a lot:
What did the banana say to the vibrator?
Why are you shaking she's going to eat me.
Hahaha. Keep 'em coming.
this is a stupid one.
What's in the toilet of the star ship enterprise?
The captains log.
Hahaha. I actually laughed out loud. How sad am I?
I deserve more Karma then haha
Ok! There you go, a kung-fu karma kick right in the big balls.
hahaha savage cheers.
No probs. Any more jokes?
Why is it called a Wonder Bra?
When she takes it off, you wonder where her tits went.
hahaha :D
Laughing at your own jokes?
Haha!
If you ever meet me, you'll realise that I'm always laughing at something ;)
Oooh... Well that would be interesting... I'm the same, and it gets pretty fucking embarrassing sometimes... I always think of funny thoughts at the most inconvenient times... And stabbing my leg with a pen just makes it worse!
Hahah that made me laugh.
Guess I'm not much different then either ;D
haha this is good one too.
What do women and police cars have in common?
They both make a lot of noise to let you know they are coming.
Hahaha
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic. So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.
When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. "Ok Les Give me the bottle opener."
"I didn't bring it," says Les. "I thought you packed it."
Mick gets worried, He turns to Alan, "Did you bring the bottle opener??"
Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from Home without a bottle opener. Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for It, but he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches.
After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise Lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.
Twenty days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.
Another five days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a Sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........
"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"
^^^ Haha! That's good man.
- How do you turn a dishwasher into a sweeper?
- Give the bitch a broom!
Quote from: aenemic on Feb 19, 2006, 11:15 PM
how do you get a 5 year old to cry twice in a row? wipe your bloody cock on her teddybear.
I find it hilarious too...
Seriously, why?
Quote from: Mad Maynard on Feb 20, 2006, 05:53 PM
- How do you turn a dishwasher into a sweeper?
- Give the bitch a broom!
Good one too... And also the tortoises one...
Quote from: Assassin on Feb 20, 2006, 09:47 PM
Seriously, why?
It makes me laugh out loud. Hence it's hilarious.
Quote from: tarkil on Feb 20, 2006, 09:50 PM
It makes me laugh out loud. Hence it's hilarious.
Yes I get that. But why does it make you laugh out loud? What's funny about it?
Little Johnny's neighbours had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears. When mother and new baby
came home from the hospital Johnny's family was invited over to see the
baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnny's dad had a talk with him
and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told him that if he so much as mentioned anything about
the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears he would get the
spanking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnny told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnny looked in the crib he said, "What a beautiful baby."
The mother said, "Why, thank you, Little Johnny."
Johnny said, "He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands,
a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see?"
"Yes", the mother replied, "we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will
have 20/20 vision."
"That's great", said Little Johnny, "cuz he'd be fucked if he needed
glasses."
A young man moved into a new apartment of his own, and went to the
lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, an attractive
young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing a
robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation
with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious
that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying
to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on
his arm and said, Lets go to my apartment, I hear someone coming."
He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned
against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.
Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?"
Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your
ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears? Look at these
breasts; they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my
butt is firm and solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How
can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his
throat, he stammered ... Outside, when you said you heard someone
coming.... that was me.
ok. i hope u like these. i get them sent round all the time by email at work so if they are dump and u dont like dont blame me. if u do like boost my karma up! (BTW, is there any benefit having a high karma)
Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newly-wed
couple wanted to join a church. The priest said, "We have special
requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two
weeks."
The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain
from sex for the two weeks?"
The old man replied, "No problem at all, Priest." "Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the priest.
The priest went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to
abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The middle-aged man replied, "The first
week was not too bad.
The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yep
we made it."
"Congratulations! Welcome to the church," said the priest.
The priest then went to the newly-wed couple and asked, "Well, were you able
to abstain from sex for two weeks?" "No Pastor, we were not able to go
without sex for the two weeks," the young man replied sadly. "What happened?" inquired the priest.
"My wife was reaching for a can of corn on the top shelf and dropped it"
said the young man.
"When she bent over to pick it up, I was overcome with lust and took
advantage of her right there."
"You understand, of course, this means you will not be welcome in our
church" stated the priest.
"We know," said the young man. "We're not welcome at the Supermarket anymore
either..."
Quote from: tarkil on Feb 20, 2006, 09:41 PM
Quote from: aenemic on Feb 19, 2006, 11:15 PM
how do you get a 5 year old to cry twice in a row? wipe your bloody cock on her teddybear.
I find it hilarious too...
Me too haha someone posted that one the old board too.
Man, it's so, incredibly harsh and wrong hahaha
Also, nice ones minus_blindfold haha
Ha ha ha... I knew the little Johnny one, but I fucking love it... Karma kick...
A man, an ostrich & a cat walk into a bar and.....
The bar tender says, "What would you like Sir?"
The man says, "I'll have a pint of beer."
He looks at the ostrich and says, "What will you have?"
"I'll have a pint of beer" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer - but I'm not paying."
"That will be £12.65" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out exactly £12.65.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar. "What'll it be
today?" says the bartender.
"Double whisky on the rocks" says the man. He looks at the ostrich and
says, "What will you have?"
"I'll join him in a double whisky" says the ostrich.
He looks at the cat, "What will you have?"
"Half a pint of beer-but I'm not paying" says the cat.
"That will be £21.95" says the bartender. So the man reaches into his
pocket and pulls out exactly £21.95.
The next day after work the man goes into the same bar.
"Excuse me" the bartender, says, "I was just wondering why, no matter
what
the price, you always have the exact change in your pocket?" "Well" says
the man, "when my grandmother died she left me everything in her house and
inside there was a lamp. So I rubbed it and out popped a genie. It granted
me three wishes. So I asked that every time I wanted to buy something I
would have the exact change in my pocket".
"That's brilliant" says the bartender. "You'll never ever run out of
money
What else did you ask for?"
The man sighs and responds "A bird with long legs and a tight pussy"
A train hits a busload of Catholic schoolgirls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates, and St. Peter asks
the first girl, "Tiffany, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
She giggles and shyly replies, "Well, I once touched the head of one with
the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "Ok, dip the tip of your finger
in
the
Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter asks the next girl
the
same
question, "Jennifer, have you ever had any contact with a male organ?"
The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well, once I fondled and
stroked
one." St Peter says,"OK, dip your whole hand in the Holy Water and
pass through the gate." All of a sudden there is a lot of commotion
in the line
of girls. One girl is pushing her way to the front of the line. When
she reaches the front of the line St. Peter says, "Lisa! What seems
to be
the
rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm going to have to gargle that Holy
Water, I
want to do it before Jessica sticks her arse in it."
I'll read them later, can't be arsed at the mo.
How do you turn a fox into an elephant
Marry it. ;)
And this is better.
Why can't women read maps?
Because only the male mind can comprehend the concept of 1 inch equals a mile.
:D:D
Hahaha those were good!
Friendship between the sexes
Friendship Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a friend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew about it.
Friendship Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
David Beckham decides to go horse riding.
Although he has had no previous experience he skillfully mounts the horse and appears in complete command of the situation as the horse gallops along at a steady pace.
Victoria admiringly watches her husband.
After a short time David becomes a little casual and he begins to lose his grip in the saddle, he panics and grabs the horse around the neck shouting for it to stop.
Victoria starts to scream and shout for someone to help her husband as David has by this time slipped completely out of the saddle and is only saved from hitting the ground by the fact that he still has a grip on the horses neck.
David decides that his best chance is to leap away from the horse, but his foot has become entangled in one of the stirrups.
As the horse gallops along David's head is banging on the ground and he is slipping into unconsciousness.
Victoria is now frantic and screams and screams for help!!!!
Hearing her screams, the Tesco's Security Guard comes out of the store and unplugs the horse.
@ Tarkil: That made me laugh out loud! Haha Karmakick yo!
Yeah, it's funny because it's so true...
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
The bear says "if i roar in the forest the entire forest shivers in fear".
The lion says "well if i roar in the desert the entire desert trembles in fear".
"Big deal", says the chicken. "i only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself"
A married couple is driving down the interstate doing 55 mph. The husband is behind the wheel. His wife looks over at him and says, "Honey, I know we've been married for 15 years, but, I want a divorce."
The husband says nothing but slowly increases speed to 60 mph.
She then says, "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and he's a much better lover than you."
Again the husband stays quiet and just speeds up as his anger increases.
She says, "I want the house." Again the husband speeds up, and now is doing 70 mph.
She says, "I want the kids, too."
The husband just keeps driving faster, and faster, now he's up to 80 mph.
She says, "I want the car, the checking account, and all the credit cards, too."
The husband slowly starts to veer toward a bridge overpass piling, as she says, "Is there anything you want?"
The husband says, "No, I've got everything I need."
She asks, "What's that?"
The husband replies just before they hit the wall at 90 mph, "I've got
the airbag!
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without a torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion.
After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooop! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into a whoop of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again.
The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender still shakes his head in dismay. Swoooop! Two arms pops out! The bar goes wild. The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant "Take another drink"! The bartender ignores the whole affair.
By now the boy is getting tipsy, and with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Swoooop! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs and stumbles to the left... then to the right... right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief. The bartender sighs and says... "He should have quit while he was a head!"
This man's laughter...honestly (http://www.ebaumsworld.com/videos/hosedoff.html).
Quote from: minus_blindfold on Mar 01, 2006, 01:34 PM
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
The bear says "if i roar in the forest the entire forest shivers in fear".
The lion says "well if i roar in the desert the entire desert trembles in fear".
"Big deal", says the chicken. "i only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself"
Ha ha ha ha, I love this one...
Quote from: minus_blindfold on Mar 01, 2006, 01:34 PM
A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.
The bear says "if i roar in the forest the entire forest shivers in fear".
The lion says "well if i roar in the desert the entire desert trembles in fear".
"Big deal", says the chicken. "i only have to cough and the entire planet shits itself"
Haha good one. ;D
make love not war.
respect.
Make fuck not kill. - George Carlin
ok. this goes on for a bit! sorry :-\
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a solar powered calculator?
A: The blonde works in the dark!
Q: How can you tell if a blonde has been using the computer?
A: The joystick is wet.
Q: What does a blonde put behind her ears to make her more attractive?
A: Her ankles. (=awesome)
Q: What do you say to a Blonde that won't give in?
A: "Have another beer."
Q: What do Blondes say after sex?
A1: Thanks Guys.
A2: Are you boys all in the same band?
A3: Do you guys all play for the Green Bay Packers?
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
Q: What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A: The more you bang it the looser it gets.
Q: What does a blond and a beer bottle have in common?
A: They're both empty from the neck up.
Q: What do blonds and spaghetti have in common?
A: They both wriggle when you eat them.
Q: Why was the blondes' belly button sore ?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
Q: How do you get a blond out of a tree?
A: Wave
Q: What do peroxide blonds and black men have in common?
A: They both have black roots.
Q: What does a blonde owl say?
A: What, what?
Q: What do you call a zit on a blonde's ass?
A: A brain tumor.
Q: What do you get when you turn 3 blondes upside-down?
A: Two brunettes.
Q: What's the Blonde's cheer?
A: " I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B.L.O.N....ah, oh well.. I'm blonde, I'm blonde, yea yea yea..."
Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.
Q: Why did the blonde fail at being a prostitute?
A: Because she gave blow-jobs literally.
Q: Why did the blonde smile when she walked the marriage aisle?
A: She realized she gave her last blowjob.
Q: Why do blondes give such good blowjobs?
A: Because that's what they train for all their lives.
Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip code on her stomach?
A: So her male would get delivered to the right box.
Q: Why did the blonde have tire tread marks on her back?
A: From crawling across the street when the sign said "DON'T WALK".
Q: Why did the blonde keep a coat hanger in her back seat?
A: In case she locks the keys in her car.
Q: Why did the blonde tip-toe past the medicine cabinet?
A: So she wouldn't wake up the sleeping pills.
Q: Why did the deaf blonde sit on a newspaper?
A: So she could lip read.
Q: Why did God create blondes?
A: Because sheep can't bring beer from the fridge.
Q: Why did God create brunettes?
A: Neither could the blondes.
Q: Why did the blonde wear condoms on her ears?
A: So she wouldn't get Hearing Aides.
Q: Why did the blonde drive into the ditch?
A: To turn the blinker off.
Q: Why did the blonde try and steal a police car?
A: She saw "911" on the back and thought it was a Porsche.
Q: Why didn't the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She'd just blow dried her hair and she didn't want it blown around too much.
Q: Why did the blonde stop using the pill?
A: Because it kept falling out.
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said From 2-4 years.
Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&Ms.
Q: Why does it work?
A: "Does 3 come before E or does it go between M and W?"
Q: Why did the blonde call the welfare office?
A: She wanted to know how to cook food stamps!
Q: What is the blonde's favorite potato chip?
A: Free-to-lay (Frito-Lay).
Q: What is blond, brunette, blond, brunette, ....?
A: A blond doing cartwheels.
Q: What is the connection between a blonde and a halogen headlamp?
A: They both get screwed on the front of a Ford Escort.
Q: Did you hear about the blond skydiver?
A: She missed the Earth!
Q: Did you hear about the blond who had two chances to get pregnant?
A: She blew it both times!
Q: What do a moped and a blond have in common?
A: They're both fun to ride until a friend sees you on one.
Q: How do you know when a blond's been in your frige?
A: Lipstick on the cucumbers!
Q: What do a blonde and an instant lottery ticket have in common?
A: All you have to do is scratch the box to win.
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
A: About 2 cans of hair spray
Q: What's the quickest way to get into a blondes pants?
A: Pick them up off the floor.
Q: Where do blondes go to meet their relatives?
A: The vegetable garden.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play tag?
A: One.
Q: What do you call four Blondes in a Volkswagon?
A: Far-from-thinkin
Q: Why don't they let Blondes swim in the ocean?
A: Because they can't get the smell out of the tuna.
Q: What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A: She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q: What is the irritating part around a blonde's vagina?
A1: The Blonde!
A2: The other guys waiting their turn.
Q: What did the blonde say when asked if she'd ever been picked up by 'the fuzz'?
A: 'No. But I've been swung around by the tits.'
Q: What did the blonde say when she looked into a box of Cheerios?
A: "Oh look! Donut seeds!"
Q: What did the blonde name her pet zebra?
A: Spot.
Q: What's a blonds' favourite rock group?
A: Air Supply.
Q: Whats black and fuzzy and hangs from the ceiling?
A: A blond electrician.
Q: Why are dumb blonde jokes so short?
A: So brunettes can remember them.
Q: Why are blondes like cornflakes ?
A: Because they're simple, easy and they taste good.
Q: Why can't blondes put in light bulbs?
A: They keep breaking them with the hammers.
Q: What is a cool refreshing drink for a blonde?
A: Perri-air
Q: Did you hear about the blonde coyote?
A: Got stuck in a trap, chewed off three legs and was still stuck.
Q: When is it legal to shoot a blonde in the head?
A: When you have a tire pump to reinflate it!
Q: What is a blonde's favorite part of a gas station?
A: The Air Pump!
Q: Why was the blonde upset when she got her Driver's License?
A: Because she got an F in sex.
Q: Did you here about the blonde who shot an arrow into the air?
A: She missed.
Q: Why can't blondes be cattle ranchers?
A: They can't keep their calves together!
Q: When does a brunette have 1/2 of a brain?
A: After a dye job.
Q: What's a blonde's favorite nursery rhyme?
A: Humpme Dumpme.
Q: What did the blonde customer say to the buxom waitress (reading her nametag) ?
A: "'Debbie'...that's cute. What did you name the other one ?"
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
Q: Why are there lip stick stains on the steering wheel after a blonde drives a car?
A: Because she blows the horn!
Q: Why is a blonde like a door knob?
A: Because everybody gets a turn.
Q: Why is a blonde like railroad tracks?
A: Because she's been laid all over the country.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde lesbian?
A: She kept having affairs with men!
Q: What does a blonde do if she is not in bed by 10?
A: She picks up her purse and goes home.
Q: To a blonde, what is long and hard?
A: Grade 4.
Q: What is the definition of gross ignorance?
A: 144 blondes.
Q: Why is 68 the maximum speed for blonds?
A: Because at 69 they blow a rod...
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a refrigerator?
A: A refrigerator doesn't fart when you pull your meat out of it.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde couple that were found frozen to death in their car at a drive-in movie theater?
A: They went to see "Closed for the Winter".
Q: What is the definition of the perfect woman?
A: A deaf and dumb blonde nymphomaniac whose father owns a pub.
Q: Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A: They both drip when they're fucked.
Q: How would a blond punctuate the following?: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A: Fun period fun period fun NO PERIOD worry worry worry!
Q: Why is the blonde's brain the size of a pea in the morning?
A: It swells at night.
Q: A blonde is walking down the street with a pig under her arm. She passes a person who asks "Where did you get that?"
A: The pig says, "I won her in a raffle!"
Q: A blonde ordered a pizza and the clerk asked if he should cut it in six or twelve pieces.
A: "Six, please. I could never eat twelve pieces."
Q: What's a blonde's idea of safe sex?
A: Locking the car door.
Q: Why did the blonde keep failing her driver's test?
A: Because every time the door opened, she jumped into the back seat.
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
Q: What's five miles long and has an IQ of forty?
A: A blonde parade.
Q: Why is it okay for blondes to catch cold?
A: They don't have to worry about blowing their brains out.
Q: Did you hear about the blonde who tried to blow up her husband's car?
A: She burned her lips on the tailpipe.
Goes on for awhile it did yes. Haha.
So she says to him, "well are you going to marry me?", and he says "NO! but thats a really nice ski mask."
LMAO!!! :D Joke of the day that was!
I can't understand this one... I think I lack some english skills. Can someone explain please ? :-\
an outta the blue Dumb And Dumber quote, brilliant!!
For all you guys out there who just can't figure it out, here it is: In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy. Do something she likes and you get points. Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects...Sorry, that's the way the game is played.
Here is a guide to the point system. ;)
Simple Duties:
You make the bed +1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows 0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets -1
You leave the toilet seat up -5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty 0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex -1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom -2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light panty liners with wings +5
But return with beer -5
You check out a suspicious noise at night 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing 0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something +5
You pummel it with a six iron +10
It's her father -10
Social Engagements:
You stay by her side the entire party 0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat
with a college drinking buddy -2
Named Tiffany -4
Tiffany is a dancer -6
Tiffany has implants -8
Her Birthday:
You take her out to dinner 0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar +1
Okay, it is a sports bar -2
And it's all-you-can-eat night -3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team -10
A Night Out With The Boys:
Go out with a pal -5
And the pal is happily married -4
Or frighteningly single -7
And he drives a Mustang -10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED) -15
A Night Out:
You take her to a movie +2
You take her to a movie she likes +4
You take her to a movie you hate +6
You take her to a movie you like -2
It's called DeathCop 3 -3
Which features cyborgs having sex -9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans -15
Your Physique:
You develop a noticeable potbelly -15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it +10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy
Hawaiian shirts -30
You say "I don't give a damn because you have one too" -800
The Big Question:
She asks, "Do I look fat?" -5
You hesitate in responding -10
You reply, "Where?" -35
Communication:
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what
looks like a concerned expression 0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes +5
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV +10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep -20
shit: wrong thread. nevermind. its kinda funny
Two friends - a blonde and a redhead - are walking down the street and pass a flower shop where the redhead happens to see her boyfriend buying flowers.
She sighs and says, 'Oh, crap. My boyfriend is buying me flowers again.'
The blonde looks quizzically at her and asks, 'You don't like getting flowers?'
The redhead says, 'I love getting flowers, adore them but he always has expectations after giving me flowers, and I just don't feel like spending the next three days on my back with my legs in the air.
The blonde says, 'Don't you have a vase?'
I love the 2 last ones... ;D
Hahaha
Who knows if these have popped up somewhere in here but what the hey...
Out on a pub crawl, a man is wandering through a local red light district when he spies a brothhel offering the best whores in town. Walking up to the front desk, he asks for the cheapest girl available and is led into a darkened room. There, he finds a woman lying on the bed, but as soon as he climbs on top and starts pumping she repeatedly spits in his eye. Furious, he sprints down to the front desk. "That bitch spat in my eye!" he screams at the receptionist. The woman behind the desk calmly turns around to a bunch of men playing cards. "Get to it boys. The corpse is full."
*******************************************
An old man marries a young woman and they are deeply in love. No matter what the husband does in bed however, his wife can't achieve orgasm, so he asks a therapist for advice. The therapist suggests: "Hire a strapping young man, and while you and your wife are making love, have him wave a towel over you both. Make sure he is naked and she can see his manhood. That will help her fantasise and should bring on an orgasm." So the older man hires a handsome young man to do just that, but the wife is still unsatisfied. The husband goes back to the therapist. "OK," the expert says, "Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel." So they try it out. The wife soon has a screaming, room-shaking orgarsm. Smiling the husband taps the young man on the shoulder and says to him triumphantly: "That's how you wave a bloody towel, sonny!"
********************************************
A family take their frail, elderly mother to live at an expensive nursing home, secure in the knowledge that she'll be well looked after. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast and set her in a chair at the window overlooking a lovely flower garden. After a while though, she starts to tilt slowly sideways in her chair. Two attentive nurses immediately rush over to catch her and straighten her up. Again she begins to tilt over to her other side and the nurses once more rush over and put her back upright. This goes on all morning, until later the family arrive to see how their mother is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how are you getting on? Are they treating you alright?" "It's pretty nice," she replies, "Except they wont let me fart."
>Learn Chinese in 5 mins
>
>1) That's not right...............................Sum Ting Wong
>
>2) Are you harbouring a fugitive..............Hu Yu Hai Ding
>
>3) See me ASAP..............................Kum Hia
>
>4) Stupid Man.....................................Dum Gai
>
>5) Small Horse....................................Tai Ni Po Ni
>
>6) Did you go to the beach.....................Wai Yu So Tan
>
>7) I bumped the coffee table...................Ai Bang Mai Ni
>
>8) I think you need a face lift....................Chin Tu Fat
>
>9) It's very dark in here........................Wai So Dim
>
>10) I thought you were on a diet................Wai Yu Mun Ching
>
>11) This is a tow away zone......................No Pah King
>
>12) Our meeting is scheduled for next week.........WaiYu Kum Nao
>
>13) Staying out of sight..........................Lei Ying Lo
>
>14) He's cleaning his automobile...............Wa Shing Ka
>
>15) Your body odor is offensive................Yu Stin Ki Pu
HAHAHAHAH
haha, that made me laugh out loud.
Haha, yeah!
Little Tim was in the garden filling a hole when his neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the boy was doing, he asked,
"What are you up to there, Tim?"
"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."
The neighbour frowned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish isn't it?"
Tim patted down the last heap of earth. "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."
***************************************************************
After hearing that one of the patients in a mental hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviews the rescuer's file and calls him into the office.
"Mr James," says the official, "your records and your heroic behaviour indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope around the neck."
"Oh, he didnt kill himself," Mr James replied. "I hung him up to dry."
***************************************************************
A police officer on a motorcycle pulls alongside a man driving around the M25 and flags him down. The policeman solemnly approaches the car.
"Sir, I'm sorry to tell you but your wife fell out of the car a mile back." he says.
"Oh, thank God," the man replies, "I thought I was going deaf."
***************************************************************
What's the best way to remember your wife's birthday?
-Forget it once
ha ha ha, nice ones man.
<Nori123> You don't know jack shit
<VioletSky> That's not true, I know him well
<Nori123> Haha
<VioletSky> I'm serious
<VioletSky> Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced 6 children
<VioletSky> Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents' objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school drop out.
<VioletSky> However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried Ted Sherlock and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.
<VioletSky> She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken Schitt.
<VioletSky> Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.
<VioletSky> The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
<VioletSky> Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.
<VioletSky> So there.
<FiPo> LOL
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
lol
haha. pretty good assassin.
ill see my email. i might have some good uns
A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife. It read:
"Dear wife,
You must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my 18 year old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight.
Your Husband"
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows:
"Dear Husband,
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18 year old pool boy. Being the brilliant mathematician that you are, you can easily appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Don't wait up."
haha. good one.
this int too good but hey;
3 Bears
>A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...
>
>Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table, and he
>looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Who's been eating my porridge?"
>he squeaks.
>
>Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks
>into his big bowl and it is also empty. "Who's been eating my
>porridge?!?" he roars.
>
>Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and
>yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have to go through this
>with you idiots?
>
>It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put
>everything away.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch
>the newspaper and coissants.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
>
>It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the litter boxes,
>gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.
>
>And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and
>grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because
>I'm only going to say this once....
>
>I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"
Quote from: Assassin on Mar 21, 2006, 02:30 PM
A little boy walks into his parents' room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?"
The mother replies, "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."
"You're wasting your time," said the boy. "Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled.
"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on her knees and blows it right back up."
Hahaha! Good one
I people have had the same idea as me and googled jokes ( :D), then no doubt the following ones will have showed up somewhere but ah well
***************************************************************************
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
****************************************************************************
On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture. Puzzled she asks, "My picture?" He answers, "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".
She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture". He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"
****************************************************************************
A man walks into a pub and sits down, but before asking the barman for a beer he looks into his left shirt pocket. Each and every time he looks into the shirt pocket before asking for a beer, and he keeps doing this until the barmans curiosity gets the better of him.
"Why do you keep looking into your shirt pocket inbetween beers?"
"Well I've got a picture of my wife in there," he replies, "and I'm not going home until she looks good!"
u guys seen this. its not so much a joke but its kinda funny
http://www.centrs.com/images/2003/Iambetter.pdf (http://www.centrs.com/images/2003/Iambetter.pdf)
Quote from: minus_blindfold on Mar 21, 2006, 02:57 PM
u guys seen this. its not so much a joke but its kinda funny
http://www.centrs.com/images/2003/Iambetter.pdf (http://www.centrs.com/images/2003/Iambetter.pdf)
It's taken from Maddox website : http://maddox.xmission.com/
An Irishman goes to the Doctor with botty problems....
"Dactor, it's me ahrse. I'd loik ya ta teyhk a look, if ya woot".
So the doctor gets him to drop his pants and takes a look.
"Incredible"he says, "there is a £20 note lodged up here."
Tentatively he eases the twenty out of the man's bottom, and then a
£10 pound note appears.
"This is amazing!"exclaims the Doctor. ''What do you want me to do?"
"Well fur gadness sake teyhk it out, man!"shrieks the patient.
The doctor pulls out the tenner and another twenty appears, and another and
another and another, etc....
Finally the last note comes out and no more appear.
"Ah Dactor, tank ya koindly, dat's moch batt er. Just out of interest, How moch was in dare den?"
The Doctor counts the pile of cash.
"£1,990 exactly."
"Ah, dat'd be roit,''says the Irishman
(Wait for it...........scroll down.)
I knew I wasn't feeling two grand.."
An aircraft is about to crash. There are five passengers on board, but
unfortunately only four parachutes. The first passenger says, "I'm Jonny
Wilkinson, the best flyhalf in Britain. The English need me, it would be
unfair to them if I died". So he takes the first parachute and jumps. The
second passenger, Graca Machel, says, "I am the wife of the former
President of South Africa. I am also the most dedicated woman in the
world." She takes one of the parachutes and jumps. The third passenger,
George W. Bush, says, " I am the President of the United States of America.
I have a huge responsibility in world politics. And apart from that, I am
the most intelligent President in the history of the country and I have a
responsibility to my people not to die." So he takes a parachute and jumps.
The fourth passenger, the Pope, says to the fifth passenger, a ten year old
schoolboy, "I am already old. I have already lived my life, as a good
person and a priest I will give you the last parachute". The boy replies
"No problem your popeness'', there is also a parachute for you. America's
most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag..."
Hahaha I almost wish that last one happened for real hahha
Hahaha good one! ;D
Little Johnny jokes are great!
Little Johnny and Susie were only 10 years old, but they just knew that they were in love.
One day they decided that they wanted to get married, so Johnny went to Susie's father to ask him for her hand. Johnny bravely walked up to him and said "Mr. Smith, me and Susie are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."
Thinking that this was the cutest thing, Mr. Smith replied, "Well Johnny, you are only 10. Where will you two live?"
Without even taking a moment to think about it, Johnny replied "In Susie's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."
Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith said with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job. You'll need to support Susie."
Again, Johnny instantly replied, "Our allowance... Susie makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month, and that'll do us just fine."
By this time Mr. Smith was a little shocked that Johnny had put so much thought into this. So, he thought for a moment trying to come up with something that Johnny wouldn't have an answer for.
After a second, Mr. Smith said, "Well Johnny, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?"
Johnny just shrugged his shoulders and said, "Well, we've been lucky so far...."
************************************************************************
The kids filed back into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend
assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship.
Little Mary led off, "I sold girl scout cookies and I made $30," she said proudly, "my sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civil spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success."
"Very good," said the teacher.
Little Sally was next, "I sold magazines," she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them abreast of current events."
"Very good, Sally," said the teacher.
Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk.
"$2,467," he said.
"$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?"
"Toothbrushes," said Little Johnny.
"Toothbrushes?" echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?"
"I found the busiest corner in town," said Little Johnny, "I set up a Dip & Chip stand. I gave everybody who walked by a sample. They all said the same thing, "Hey, this tastes like shit!" Then I would say, " It is, wanna buy a toothbrush?""
*************************************************************************
A teacher notices that a little Jonny at the back of the class is squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She goes back to find out what's up. He's quite embarrassed and whispers that he has just recently been circumcised and he's quite itchy.
The teacher tells him to go down to the principal's office, to phone his mum and ask her what he should do about it. He does this and returns to the class, sits down in his seat and suddenly, there's a general commotion at the back of the room. Back down she goes, only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom" she says.
"I did" he says, "She told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up from school."
lmao
classic mate! karma kicks me thinks
Quote from: minus_blindfold on Mar 24, 2006, 02:13 PM
lmao
classic mate! karma kicks me thinks
Heh, thanks man! Karma kick for the Bush joke too! ;)
Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"
First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue"
Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange..."
Second little boy..."Trees are definitely green"
"Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks:
"Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! Of course not!!!"
"OK...then I DEFINITELY shit my pants..."
*****************************************************************
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making
dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to
tell his mother what he wanted."Mom, I want a bike for my birthday."
Little Johny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johny's mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for
his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.Johnny's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write
God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God, I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny
Johnny knew this wasn't true. He had not been a very good boy this
year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God, This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny
Johnny knew this wasn't true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God, I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Johnny
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either. Johnny
was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go church.
"Just be home in time for dinner", his mother said. Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there.
He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and
a pen. Johnny began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I'VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
*****************************************************************
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"
The teacher replied, "Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is 'urinate. Please use the word 'urinate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, "You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!"
where have these 'little johhny' jokes been all my life?
Little Johnny is excited because the circus has come to town and his mum has got front row tickets for him. Finally the evening comes and Little Johnny and his mum go off to the big top. Little Johnny sits there and enjoys the lions and the tigers and the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and finally out comes little Johnnys favourites, the clowns.
Johnny is loving the clowns and their humorous japes until one of the clowns comes up to him and says 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny.
'Are you the rear end of an ass?'
'No,' replies little Johnny again.
'In that case,' says the clown, 'you must be no end of an ass.'
Little Johnny is distraught and he runs out of the circus and all the way home in tears. When his mum catches up with him she says, 'Little Johnny don't worry, your Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, is coming to stay tomorrow. We will take him to the circus and he will sort that nasty clown out.' At this news little Johnny cheers up and looks forward to the next night.
The next night comes and, sure enough, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee arrives and the three of them set off for the circus. When they get there Little Johnny, his mum and Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee, sit down and enjoy the lions, the tigers, the jugglers and the trapeze artists, and then out come the clowns.
Again Little Johnny is enjoying their antics and yet again one of the clowns comes up to him and says, 'Little boy are you the front end of an ass?'
Quick as a flash, Uncle Marvo, the master of lightning wit, backchat and repartee jumps up and shouts at the very top of his voice:
'F*ck off you Red nosed C*nt!
i found this thread searching through google. rather than copying 5 pages for u to read, u can find a loada little johnny jokes HERE (http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=79588)
Aye! Well I got the ones I put down from here
http://www.aarons-jokes.com/little_jonny_jokes/index.mv?count=0&catagory_frm=12&sort_frm=
There's loads of sites you can find them from, hehe! Johnny, dirty little bastard! :D
Are you trying to seduce me? Put your shoes back on barbara! I haven't been into feet since back in 82.
why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the otherside.
Pure comedic GENIUS. Bravo Divad. Bravo.
Quote from: hydroponic82 on Mar 29, 2006, 01:13 AM
why did the chicken cross the road?
to get to the otherside.
best joke ever lol
thank you araz .. thank you.
im here on tuesday and thursday nights . tips and ganj would be appreciated.
: )
Quote from: hydroponic82 on Mar 29, 2006, 01:17 AM
thank you araz .. thank you.
im here on tuesday and thursday nights . tips and ganj would be appreciated.
: )
ur tip will be a karma kick ;D
Quote from: hydroponic82 on Mar 29, 2006, 01:17 AM
thank you araz .. thank you.
im here on tuesday and thursday nights . tips and ganj would be appreciated.
: )
You're welcome Divad. And I can tip with the dough but not with the weed yo.
So someone asks me today "hey do you want a coke, son?" and i said "what? you mean do i want some coke?" then he said "oh hey man you gotta alittle on you kid? i need a fix real bad." I ssaid "yeah come on man lets go to the conveience store" "so where it be man where it be" then i handed him a 12 pack and he was up all night being a spaz and was up all night bumming quaters then some stranger capped his ass. He never mad it back to his home, i mean his box.
So the moral of the story is Coca cola addiction is an epidemic so dont get caught up!
You know what, I'm fucking glad this thread got revived, it was my bitch! It's gonna remain my bitch, sorry Brooke! But yeah, jokes, that's what life is all about!
Who wants Jack Daniels
(http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/hu/6/63/Jack_Daniels_%C3%BCveg.jpg)
There you go there's some! What a fucking joke!
oh wait.. i have the best joke!!!
okay theres this guy and girl and they go out on a date.. at an amusement park..
oh wait..
haha, i have to get it right. um . . they go on the ferris wheel. and then, shit! brb!
A man comes home to see that his girlfriend has her bags packed. The man says, "what are you doing, honey?" She says, "I'm leaving you because you're a pedophile." The man says,"You know, pedophile is a very big word for a five year old."
*************************************************************************
A man's wife is ill so he takes her to the doctor. The doctor tells him that they have narrowed down the disease to two possibilities: AIDS or alzheimers. The man is devistated and asks the doctor what he should do. So the doctor says drive around for a while until you're disoriented and then drop your wife off and drive home. If your wife makes it back, don't fuck her.
Quote from: BloodyKnifePrty on Apr 16, 2006, 06:19 PMA man's wife is ill so he takes her to the doctor. The doctor tells him that they have narrowed down the disease to two possibilities: AIDS or alzheimers. The man is devistated and asks the doctor what he should do. So the doctor says drive around for a while until you're disoriented and then drop your wife off and drive home. If your wife makes it back, don't fuck her.
;D
Haha
Hahaha! Good one, good one!
A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer.
The bartender can't help but stare at the guy because in contrast to his large muscles, the man has a head that is the size of an orange.
The bartender hands the guy his beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! But I have a question, why is your head so small?"
The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times. "One day," he begins, "I was hunting and got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help. I followed the cries and they led me to a frog that was sitting next to a stream."
"No shit?" says the bartender, thoroughly intrigued.
"Yeah, so I picked up the frog and it said, Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you three wishes."
"Keep going!"
I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.
She said, "You now have three wishes."
I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."
She nodded, snapped her fingers, and POOF there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!
She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"
"What next?" begged the bartender.
I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. We made love right there by that stream for hours!
Afterwards, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"
I looked at her and replied, "How 'bout a little head?"
HAhahahahahah
A guy gets fired from McDonalds 'cause he doesn't know how to make a big mac. So he gets a job as a school bus driver for first graders. Since they were young kids he decided to paint Sesamae Street characters on the bus. So on the first day he starts going to all the houses. At the first one a fat girl walks out and and says "hi, my name is Patricia". At the second house another fat girl walks out and says "hi, my name is Patty". At the third house this retarded kid walks out and say "hi, my name is Ross and my mommy says I'm special". At the fourth house this nerdy kid walks out and says "hi, I'm Lester Cheese". So they drive off to school. On the way the bus driver looks back and sees Lester picking at his feet and asks what he's doing. Lester says he has bad bunions. So they get to school and the driver drops the kids off. While going home he meets his old boss who tells him that he can get his job back if he can tell him how to make a big mac. The drivers says that he can't do that but he could tell him who drove to school that day: two all-beef Pattys, special Ross, Lester Cheese picking bunions on a Sesamae Street bus
John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."
About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."
Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."
Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.
*************************************************************************
Three old men were sitting around talking about who had the worst health problems.
The seventy-year-old said, "Have I got a problem. Every morning I get up at 7:30 and have to take a piss, but I have to stand at the toilet for an hour, 'cause my pee barely trickles out."
"Heck, that's nothing, " said the eighty year old. "Every morning at 8:30 I have to take a shit, but I have to sit on the can for hours because of my constipation. It's terrible".
The ninety-year-old said, "You guys think you have problems! Every morning at 7:30 I piss like a racehorse, and at 8:30 I shit like a pig.
The trouble with me is, I don't wake up till eleven."
***********************************************************************
A Girl was in her bed when she hears TITS AND BOOBS! TITS AND BOOBS! so she gets scared and runs into her parents room and asked to sleep with them.
Then she asked what tits and boobs are.
Her mom replys, "coats and hats dear."
The next day they are having company over and her farther is in the bathroom shaving. He cuts himself and yells, "SHIT!!!"
The girl asked "what does that mean?" and he replys, "shaving cream dear."
Her mother is downstairs cooking a turkey. She burns the turkey and yells, "FUCK!!!"
The girl asks her, "what does that mean?" and she says "cutting the turkey dear."
Then the guests arrive and the girl goes and answers the door and says, "Hi my parents are busy rite now. You can put your tits and boobs on the coat hanger. My dads putting shit on his face and my moms fucking the turkey."
Whats the difference bewteen Michael Jackson and acne?
Acne waits till your 13 before it comes on your face
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Whats blue and shakes in the corner?
A baby in a plastic bag
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How do you stop a baby from spinning around in a circle?
nail its other hand to the floor.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I don't get those dead baby jokes or whatever. They're so stupid and like...don't have a punchline at all.
Quote from: Sam on Apr 19, 2006, 12:20 AM
I don't get those dead baby jokes or whatever. They're so stupid and like...don't have a punchline at all.
thats the whole point of them...numb nuts
ur momma so ugly when she looked in the mirror the mirror said "wtf???"
Quote from: indychino on Apr 18, 2006, 11:22 PM
Whats the difference bewteen Michael Jackson and acne?
Acne waits till your 13 before it comes on your face
lolz
Quote from: Far away on Apr 19, 2006, 07:08 AM
Quote from: indychino on Apr 18, 2006, 11:22 PM
Whats the difference bewteen Michael Jackson and acne?
Acne waits till your 13 before it comes on your face
lolzZzZzzZZZzzZZZzZZZzzzzZzZZzZZZzz ;D good one
Quote from: tarkil on Apr 19, 2006, 11:07 AM
Quote from: Far away on Apr 19, 2006, 07:08 AM
Quote from: indychino on Apr 18, 2006, 11:22 PM
Whats the difference bewteen Michael Jackson and acne?
Acne waits till your 13 before it comes on your face
lolzZzZzzZZZzzZZZzZZZzzzzZzZZzZZZzz ;D good one
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket.
The kid takes the ticket and before he rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did."
The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
****************************************************************
A salesman knocks at the door of a home and it's answered by a 12 year old boy with a cigar in one hand and a half empty bottle of scotch in the other.
Naked women are running around inside and it looks like hes just had the mother of all party's.
The salesman asks the boy, "Excuse me son but is your mom or dad in?"
To which the boy replies, "Does it fucking look like it?"
*****************************************************************
A trucker who had driven his fully loaded rig to the top of a steep hill and was just starting down the equally steep other side when he noticed a man and a woman lying in the center road, making love.
He blew his air horn several times as he was bearing down on them. Realizing that they were not about to get out of his way he slammed on his brakes and stopped just inches from them.
Getting out of the cab, madder than hell, the trucker walked to the front of the cab and looked down at the two, still in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn? You could've been killed!"
The man on the highway, obviously satisfied and not too concerned, looked up and said, "Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you were coming. You were the only one with brakes."
Hahahha good ones Chrisbo :D
Bob I have somthing to tell you, I nailed your wife. 3 times bob. She said you never went 3 times bob. :o
In the news today a man shot and killed his Wife, 2 kids, their dog, his mom and dad and the mailman, he claimed he was cleaning his gun and it suddenly went off.
Quote from: DeftonesATF27 on May 03, 2006, 07:50 AM
In the news today a man shot and killed his Wife, 2 kids, their dog, his mom and dad and the mailman, he claimed he was cleaning his gun and it suddenly went off.
What a clumsy guy! :D
**************************************************************
The judge says to a double-homicide defendant, "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer."
A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to death with a hammer."
The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You bastard!"
The judge stops and says to the guy in the back of the courtroom, "Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime. But no more outbursts from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"
The guy in the back of the court stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honor, but for fifteen years, I've lived next door to that bastard, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn't have one."
*************************************************************
This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" as she looked him up and down seductively.
"Sure," he says and they are off to the nearest motel.
She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her.
She says, "Is this the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?"
The guy says, "Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."
***************************************************************
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.
As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind.
The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.
During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
Good jokes Chrisbo :D
Quote from: Chrisbo on May 03, 2006, 11:37 AM
Right in the middle of lovemaking, the husband dies of a heart attack.
As the funeral arrangements are being made, the mortician informs the widow that he cannot get rid of her dead husband's rigor mortis hard-on which is sticking straight up in the air and if they don't do something, it will look odd in the coffin at the funeral.
The widow tells the guy to cut it off and stick it up her dear departed's behind.
The mortician can't believe his ears but the widow is adamant, so he does it.
During the funeral, friends and relatives of the dead man were concerned to see a tear in the corner of his eye, but the widow assured them that there was no cause to be alarmed.
Just before the casket is closed, the widow leans in and whispers in the dead man's ear, "It HURTS, doesn't it?"
ha ha ha ah ha ha... great one !!!
Hehehe yeah! ;D
lol wow... where do i start.. umm how many jews can you fit ina car...?
2 in the front, 3 in the back and a million in the ash tray... o_o
ummm why are japanese people's eye squinted??
because they still arent used to the blast!
why is it that your turds are always tapered at the end...
so youre asshole doesnt slam shut.
heehawww, hope you enjoied it... the more cruel/horrible the joke, the better (my philosphy)
That's quite a 'philosophy' you have there. Congratulations, you managed to be crude, insensitive and racially discriminate, all in the space of just 3 'jokes'.
Quote from: Assassin on May 04, 2006, 11:44 AM
That's quite a 'philosophy' you have there. Congratulations, you managed to be crude, insensitive and racially discriminate, all in the space of just 3 'jokes'.
all 3 of those things you just mentioned would make you a millionare here in real life as a stand up comedian or even an actor.
Quote from: c4 LoveLetter on May 04, 2006, 11:12 AM
lol wow... where do i start.. umm how many jews can you fit ina car...?
2 in the front, 3 in the back and a million in the ash tray... o_o
ummm why are japanese people's eye squinted??
because they still arent used to the blast!
why is it that your turds are always tapered at the end...
so youre asshole doesnt slam shut.
heehawww, hope you enjoied it... the more cruel/horrible the joke, the better (my philosphy)
I can go a couple worse;
Whats the difference between a jew and an apple pie?
An Apple pie doesn't scream when put in the oven
How do you stop a baby spinning around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
Quote from: wifeparty on May 05, 2006, 03:31 AMHow do you stop a baby spinning around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
I'm disgusted with myself - because that actually made me laugh out loud. ;D
Quote from: Assassin on May 05, 2006, 11:14 PM
Quote from: wifeparty on May 05, 2006, 03:31 AMHow do you stop a baby spinning around in circles?
Nail its other hand to the floor.
I'm disgusted with myself - because that actually made me laugh out loud. ;D
theres heaps more
whats blue and shakes?
a baby in a plastic bag
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his grandmother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location.
Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half, but accidentally sends her the bottom half of the picture.
He is really worried when he realizes that he has sent the wrong half. But then he remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says:
"Thank you for the picture. You should change your hair style... it makes your nose look too short."
********************************************************
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation. This was affecting marital relations with his wife so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what could he do to cure his problem.
In response the doctor said, "When you feel the urge to ejaculate, try startling yourself".
On the way home the man went to a sports store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try out this suggestion he runs home to his wife. When he gets home he is surprised and delighted to find his wife in bed, already naked. He's so horney and keen to try out his new 'system' that he doesn't think twice and leaps on board.
After a few minutes 'slap and tickle', they find themselves in the '69' position. Sure enough, only moments later the man feels the sudden urge to come. Following doctor's orders, he grabs the starter pistol off the bedside table and fires it.
The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"
The man answered, "Just great, asshole...when I fired the pistol my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my dick and my neighbor came out of the closet naked with his hands in the air!"
***********************************************************
Three dogs are at the vet in the waiting room.
When the first dog asks the second dog what he's in for.
He answers, "My master bought a brand new carpet the other day, and at the first opportunity I soiled it, so now I've been brought here to be put to sleep. So what are you here for?"
The first dog replies grimly, "I'm also being put to sleep. My master had a table with a collection of expensive vases and while I was chasing my tail I accidently bumped into the table and broke them all."
The two dogs then look over and ask the third dog what he's in for.
The third dog answers, "The reason I'm here is the other day my master stepped out of the shower and she bent over. I couldn't resist, so I jumped her from behind and took her like a wild animal!"
"So I guess you're also here to be put to sleep?" says the first dog.
The third dog answers, "Nope, I'm here to get my nails done."
**************************************************
Three women were sitting around throwing back a few drinks and talking about their sex lives.
Karen said, "I call my husband the dentist because nobody can drill like he does."
Joanne giggled and confessed, "I call my husband the miner because of his incredible shaft."
Kathy quietly sipped her whiskey until Joanne finally asked, "Well, what do you call your boyfriend?"
Kathy frowned and said,"The postman."
"Why the postman?" asked Joanne.
"Because, he always delivers late and half the time it's in the wrong box."
ha ha some good ones in there bro...
Old but still fun :
This is the situation: there's a beautiful princess trapped in a castle watched by a dragon. Here's the end of the story with different styles of metalheads as knights.
POWER METAL:
The protagonist arrives riding a white unicorn, escapes from the dragon, saves the princess and makes love to her in an enchanted forest.
THRASH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, fights the dragon, saves the princess and fucks her.
HEAVY METAL:
The protagonist arrives on a Harley, kills the dragon, drinks a few beers and fucks the princess.
FOLK METAL:
The protagonist arrives with some friends playing accordions, violins, flutes and many more weird instruments, the dragon falls sleep (because of all the dancing). Then they all leave... without the princess.
VIKING METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a ship, kills the dragon with his mighty axe, skins the dragon and eats it, rapes the princess to death, steals her belongings and burns the castle before leaving.
DEATH METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon, fucks the princess and kills her, then leaves.
BLACK METAL:
The protagonist arrives at midnight, kills the dragon and impales it in front of the castle. Then he sodomises the princess, and drinks her blood in a ritual before killing her. Then he impales the princess next to the dragon.
GORE METAL:
The protagonist arrives, kills the dragon and spreads its guts in front of the castle, fucks the princess and kills her. Then he fucks the dead body again, slashes her belly and eats her guts. Then he fucks the carcass for the third time, burns the corpse and fucks it for the last time.
DOOM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, sees the size of the dragon and thinks he could never beat him, then he gets depressed and commits suicide. The dragon eats his body and the princess as dessert. That's the end of the sad story.
PROGRESSIVE METAL:
The protagonist arrives with a guitar and plays a solo of 26 minutes. The dragon kills himself out of boredom. The protagonist arrives at the princess' bedroom, plays another solo with all the techniques and tunes he learned in the last year at the conservatory. The princess escapes looking for the "HEAVY METAL" protagonist.
GLAM METAL:
The protagonist arrives, the dragon laughs at the guy's appearance and lets him enter. He steals the princess' make-up and tries to paint the castle in a beautiful pink color.
NU METAL:
The protagonist arrives in a run-down Honda Civic and attempts to fight the dragon but he burns to death when his moronic baggy clothes catch fire.
GRINDCORE:
The protagonist arrives, screams something completely undecipherable for about 2 minutes and then leaves.
INDUSTRIAL METAL:
The protagonist arrives wearing a greasy overcoat, makes obscene gestures towards the dragon and gets escorted out of fairy tale land by security guards.
EMOCORE:
The protagonists' mother drives the protagonist and his friends to the castle. He kills the dragon with some awesome armspinning and spinkicking while his friends observing the scene with their arms crossed; then the princess laughes at the protagonists ridiculous hairstyle and the boys leave weeping.
PUNK:
The protagonist hitchhikes to the castle, asks the dragon for some bucks, buys some cans of beer, gets pissed, insults the princess as "monarchist cunt" and "commerce bitch" and leaves the castle in a black maria.
PORNO GRIND:
The Protagonist arrives at the castle without any clothes on and grunts loudly for a few minutes. Then he fucks the dragon in every body cavity it has, kills the dragon, fucks the carcass the same way again, grunts loudly again for a few minutes, grabs the princess and fucks her in every body cavity she has, kills her and fucks her in the same way again. Then he piles up the dragon's and princess's remains, fucks them in every body cavity they have, grunts loudly and screams senselessly for a few minutes. Then he leaves.
POP ROCK:
The protagonist arrives in a limo. The dragon lets them in as long as they sign an autograph for its mum who is a big fan. The protagonist leaves with the princess and they get married.
GOTHIC METAL:
The protagonist arrives along with a cold wind of winter in the middle of the night, frustrates the heck out of the dragon untill it dies of fear and desolation, comes to the princess and discusses how to clean make- ups without inflicting skin irritation.
METALCORE:
The protagonist swings his feet and arms about wildly, accidently knocking the dragon out. Then he storms off in anger that someone messed up his dance routine.
SEVENTIES METAL:
Protagonist arrives in a Datsun wearing bell bottom pants. Protagonist asks dragon how to get better gas mileage because of the gas crisis. Dragon spews flame at protagonist who avoids it. Protagonist asks 'What do you think I am, an Iron Man?' Dragon tries again and fails. Protagonist kills dragon and drives his car on top of the carcass. Protagonist says to the corpse 'Now you're Under My Wheels'. Protagonist rescues princess. Princess asks protagonist what he wants to do and he says 'I'm 18. I don't know what I want.'
EIGHTIES METAL:
Protagonist arrives in a Ferrari Testarossa. Dragon wonders why protagonist can't get a haircut. Protagonist slays dragon, rescues the princess and takes her to McDonald's to get a McDLT.
NINETIES METAL:
Protagonist arrives with a detuned seven string guitar and about 15 sound effects pedals. Protagonist picks bottom string over and over again while shouting 'DIE!' at the dragon. Dragon toasts the protagonist alive. The killing of a non-musician makes the princess fall in love with the dragon. Princess marries Dragon and becomes recognized as the Dragon Queen.
8)
:o :o :o Haha some funny ass jokes!!
How is a woman like a condom?
Both spend more time in your wallet than on your dick
:D
Haha, good one man! I forgot about this thread, will need to find some dirty ones!
Hondas are like tampons...
every pussy has one!!
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home. He decides to clean it, prepare it, and serve the deer meat for dinner. He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is, so he doesn't tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for dinner dad?"
"You'll see", he replies.
They start eating dinner and his daughter keeps asking him what they are eating.
"Ok", says her dad, "Here's a hint. It's what your mother sometimes calls me."
His daughter screams ... "Don't eat it, Jimmy! ... It's a fucking asshole ..."
Hahahahaha awesome ;D
lolz @ taht
Hehehe, good one!
:D i laughed.
What does a 70 years old lady have between her boobs ?
Her belly button... ;D
;D
Hehehe, true! :D
I found gross collection of the Princess Di's death jokes... will anyone be offended if I post them?
go right ahead
What do you give the princess who has everything?
A seatbelt and an airbag.
*
What does Princess Di turn into at midnight?
The wall
*
What did the Queen Mother give Fergie for her birthday?
A Black Mercedes and a trip to Paris.
*
Did you hear they are going to make a movie about her?
It's going to be called "Di hard" or "Live and Let Di"
*
What does DIANA stand for?
Died in a nasty accident.
*
Dodi said Di and she did.
*
Did you hear about the new Pink Floyd album?
"Another Brit in the Wall"
These jokes aren't meant to be disrespectful, and I'm sorry if anyone finds them insulting...
*giggles*
;D
hahahaha, Princess Di jokes...horrible...but so funny...
Here are some horribly corny lightbulb jokes:
How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two.
How many Grateful Dead fans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
400,000. 1 to screw in the lightbulb and the other 399,999 to follow him just for doing so.
How many Catholics does it take to change a lightbulb?
Change?...who wants change?
and finally...
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. They like to sit and cry alone in the dark.
Whats blue and fucks old people?
pneumonia
What do you call 2 retards in the bath?
Vegatable soup
Quote from: Mascara Snake on Nov 07, 2006, 02:52 PM
What do you call 2 retards in the bath?
Vegatable soup
Ha ha, I like this one... :D
Why did the bookmakers not give simon weston his money?
cause he had a burnt coupin!!
hahaha i love that one!!!
what's funnier than a dead baby?
a dead baby in a clown outfit.
whats funnier than a dead baby in a clown outfit?
nothing.
What is the real reason that Steve Irwin died?
He wasn't wearing suncream to protect himself from the harmfull rays.
hahahahaha. proberley been already posted...and this is the nice one!
A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite.
As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."
She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body.
"I can't wear your trousers." she said.
"That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."
With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."
He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps.
"Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"
She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."
LOL
a guy goes into a bar and orders 12 shots.
the bartender says to him. damn buddy. twelve shots sure is a lot
the man replies.. well, its a special occasion. im celebrating my first blow job.
the bartender says. oh, well in that case. ill talk to the other guys around the bar, and we'll all throw in for a 13th shot to celebrate the occasion.
the man replies... no thanks. if these 12 dont get the taste out of my mouth, nothing will
I knew that one, but it remains lol 8)
A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."
Ace!
hah!
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Stephen hawking after a house fire
thats pretty sick!! or you can have
Whats black and sits at the top of the stairs?
Gary Coleman pondering what Willis was talkin bout!!
Whats the best thing about dating homeless girls?
You can drop them off anywhere.
whats the difference between Michael Jackson and acne?
Acne waits till your 13 before it comes on your face
Poor Mike.
Owwww man, that one was baaaaaad!
Still laughing though, between the owww's.
Whats this:
/----\ /----\
| | /--\ /--\ | |
| | | | | | | |
\----/ \--/ \--/ \----/
| | | |
/|\ /|\ /|\ /|\
/ | \ / | \ / | \ / | \
/ | \ | | / | \
| | | |
| / \ / \ |
| / \ / \ |
/ \ / \
/ \ / \
/ \ / \
/ \ / \
Michael Jackson and Woody Allen on a double date
Why does Michael Jackson like Twenty Nine year olds?
Cause there is Twenty of them
Why is michael jackson the king of pop? thats already funny.
2 guys walk into a bar, the third one ducks
Quote from: ToneDef on Feb 16, 2006, 06:24 PM
Quote from: fireflyry on Feb 16, 2006, 01:17 AM
Quote from: TheProzacFairy on Feb 15, 2006, 04:55 PM
no that was DeftonesATF27, I just mentioned that I thought it was funny that i was the most smited.
Oh....my bad. :-[
(http://img294.imageshack.us/img294/8711/chickenjoke3cq0rp0jz.gif) (http://imageshack.us)
You're getting karma every day from now on for posting that. Hands down the funniest shit I seen in ages.
I agree. Wait...karma is gone, fuck it.
a black baby was given wings by god
-baby: does this mean im an angel?
-god: Nah nigga, ure a bat !!
GREAT TOPIC!
[youtube=425,350] ScjAk5yvKxc [/youtube]
knock knock
whos there?
you know
you know who?
avada kadavra!
lololololol
Quote from: emotivelotion on Oct 18, 2007, 07:21 PM
a black baby was given wings by god
-baby: does this mean im an angel?
-god: Nah nigga, ure a bat !!
Ha ha ha, this one is great !!! :)
Quote from: tarkil on Oct 19, 2007, 04:25 AM
Quote from: emotivelotion on Oct 18, 2007, 07:21 PM
a black baby was given wings by god
-baby: does this mean im an angel?
-god: Nah nigga, ure a bat !!
Ha ha ha, this one is great !!! :)
yeah the racist ones are the best
George Michael was caught with chocolate around his arse. Apparently he had been careless with a wispa.
hope there isn't another one. looked but couldn't find one so i guess i should be safe. warning: may be offensive to some but hopefully not. all fun n games n shit. here:
:P :o :-X :-[ :-\ :'( ;D :D :) ;) :( 8) ??? :-* >:( ::)
Tomorrow was Katie's birthday and she was excited
"Guess how old I'm going to be tomorrow!" she yelled to her dad.
"Don't know" he replied, playing along.
"I'll be six!" she replied.
She went into the kitchen and asked her grandpa, "guess how old I'll be tomorrow!"
"To answer this I need you to pull down your pants." he says.
So Katie does this. Her grandfather inserts two fingers into her cunt, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.
"You'll be six tomorrow" Grandpa says.
"How did you know that?" replies Katie.
"Because I heard you tell your dad"
2 guys are in a bar. One says to the other, "you know, I could have sex with any woman in this bar."
Other guy says, "oh yeah? how's that?"
Dude says "I'm a rapist"
What's the difference between bicycles and black folks?
Bicycles don't sing when you chain em together!
(ladies, don't read this next one)
What's pink and slimy and tries to crawl up your leg?
A homesick abortion.
A spic walks into a bar and says, "Hey, nigger, give me a drink." The nigger bartender says, "I'll give you a drink, but I would appreciate it if you wouldn't refer to me as a "nigger." "Oh man!, I am sure sorry about that bro'. Won't happen again." A few minutes later the spic says, "Hey moon crickett, another round." The nigger says,"Hey, look, I really don't want you calling me "moon crickett" either." The spic says,"Sorry bootlips, I didn't mean anything by it." The bartender says, "OK that's it! How would you like it if you were the bartender and I came in here calling you names?" "I don't know, let's find out." So the spic puts on an apron and goes behind the bar and the nigger walks outside and comes back in and shouts, "Hey wetback! I want a fucking drink!" The "bartender" stops washing glasses and says, "Oh, I'm sorry, we don't serve niggers in here."
What do you do after you've had a baby girl?
Turn it over and have it like a baby boy!
A teacher is teaching a class of 10 year olds.
"Today we're going to have a farmyard quiz. John, what noise does a cow make?"
"Mooo, miss" comes the reply.
"Very good. Now, Alison, what noise does a sheep make?"
"Baaaa, miss."
"Excellent! Leroy, what noise does a pig make?"
"What's in the bag, nigger."
What's the difference between a Jew and a canoe?
A canoe tips.
Three tampons are coming down the street towards you, a super plus, a regular, and a light. Which one talks to you first?
None of them. They're all stuck up cunts.
What's better than getting a gold medal in the special olympics?
Not being a fucking retard
What's black and screaming?
Stevie Wonder answering the iron
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
You can punch information into a computer.
Quote from: occipudding on Feb 18, 2008, 05:13 AM
Tomorrow was Katie's birthday and she was excited
"Guess how old I'm going to be tomorrow!" she yelled to her dad.
"Don't know" he replied, playing along.
"I'll be six!" she replied.
She went into the kitchen and asked her grandpa, "guess how old I'll be tomorrow!"
"To answer this I need you to pull down your pants." he says.
So Katie does this. Her grandfather inserts two fingers into her cunt, moves them around, pulls them out, sniffs, then licks them.
"You'll be six tomorrow" Grandpa says.
"How did you know that?" replies Katie.
"Because I heard you tell your dad"
;D that made me lol
Quote from: occipudding on Feb 18, 2008, 05:13 AM
2 guys are in a bar. One says to the other, "you know, I could have sex with any woman in this bar."
Other guy says, "oh yeah? how's that?"
Dude says "I'm a rapist"
ima use that
kinda' weird how only the rape and incestual molestor jokes made you laugh...
"What do you do after you've had a baby girl?
Turn it over and have it like a baby boy!"
i liked that one 2 ;D
ummm blondie, r u a chick? ???
Quote from: occipudding on Feb 18, 2008, 05:13 AM
What's the difference between a woman and a computer?
You can punch information into a computer.
ahahahahahaha omg that's fuckin great.
why do jews have big noses?
because air is free
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there's a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position. After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to two men and a woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which peson would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow our instructions whatever the circumstances," they explained. "Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The man looked horrified and said, "You can't be serious! I could never shoot my wife!" "Well," said the CIA man, "you're definitely not the right man for this job then."
So they brought the second man to the same door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances," they explained to the second man. "Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her." The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes; then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. "I tried to shoot her; I just couldn't pull the trigger and shoot my wife. I guess I'm not the right man for the job."
"No," the CIA man replied, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Now they only had the woman left to test. They led her to the same door to the same room and handed her the same gun. "We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances; this is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him." The woman took the gun and opened the door. Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA men heard the gun start firing, one shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, rashing, and banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes; then all went quiet.
The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat the son of a bitch to death with the chair!"
By the way :
http://www.sharinglungs.com/index.php?topic=7516.0
.
Quote from: pissedandpierced on Oct 19, 2007, 07:57 AM
George Michael was caught with chocolate around his arse. Apparently he had been careless with a wispa.
(http://www.newmexiconuts.net/catalog/tumbleweed.jpg)
AHAH!
2 guys walk inot a bar, the third one ducks
2 pollacks are out hunting. one says to the other "man, i gotta shit but don't have anything to wipe with." "use a dollar, " his friend said. a couple minutes later, the guy comes out from behind a bush with his hands covered in shit. "great," he said, "not only am i covered in shit but now i have 4 quarters up my ass."
2 pollacks are going hunting. along the way they see a sign that says Bear Left. so they went home.
whats grosser than gross?: a dead baby
whats grosser than that?: a dead baby in the road
whats even grosser than that?: peeling it off your tire
whats red and white and spins around and around? a dead baby in a blender
why does Michael Jackson like 25 year olds?
Cause there are 20 of them
A little boy and an old man are walking through the woods at night.
"Gee, mister, I sure am scared." The little boy says.
"You're scared? What about me? I'll have to walk back to my car all by myself." The old man replies.
Quote from: goldpony on Feb 19, 2008, 07:03 PM
2 pollacks are out hunting. one says to the other "man, i gotta shit but don't have anything to wipe with." "use a dollar, " his friend said. a couple minutes later, the guy comes out from behind a bush with his hands covered in shit. "great," he said, "not only am i covered in shit but now i have 4 quarters up my ass."
2 pollacks are going hunting. along the way they see a sign that says Bear Left. so they went home.
i'll pretend i haven't seen those :(
- mom? does a shoemaker make shoes?
- yes.
- ok. does a firefighter fight fires?
- of course, darling.
- so does a shoplifter lift shops?
Quote from: whodunit? on Feb 27, 2008, 12:23 AM
Quote from: goldpony on Feb 19, 2008, 07:03 PM
2 pollacks are out hunting. one says to the other "man, i gotta shit but don't have anything to wipe with." "use a dollar, " his friend said. a couple minutes later, the guy comes out from behind a bush with his hands covered in shit. "great," he said, "not only am i covered in shit but now i have 4 quarters up my ass."
2 pollacks are going hunting. along the way they see a sign that says Bear Left. so they went home.
i'll pretend i haven't seen those :(
- mom? does a shoemaker make shoes?
- yes.
- ok. does a firefighter fight fires?
- of course, darling.
- so does a shoplifter lift shops?
haha, sorry, it was the way the joke was told to me.
I heard one of the most racist ever this week end... Gotta love it !!!!
How many black people does it take to change a light bulb ?
2 : 1 to change the light bulb, and 1 to smoke crack....
;D
lol
MR T FACTS!!!!
If Mr. T stops moving, what you would see would be the Apocalypse. He has only briefly stopped 4 times; subsequently, humanity was dealt World War 1 & 2, 'Nam, and New Coke.
Mr. T is not afraid to fly. But planes fly very close to Heaven and since Mr. T could easily take God in a fight, he avoids the temptation. In fact, he pities the fool who would push him into it.
If at the exact same moment, the same person was pitied by Mr. T and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris, the universe would implode.
Mr. T's pity for fools is used by mathematicians as a demonstration of the concept of infinity.
During a scene in Rocky III, Mr. T said, "I'm gonna torture him. I'm gonna crucify him. Real bad." After the director shouted, "Cut!" Mr. T asked, "Wait, you were filming that?"
Mr. T's sweat can be used to purify gold. In addition, he doesn't buy gold... it grows from his neck.
According to Mr T only two languages exist: English and Jibba Jabba.
They say when a bear is chasing a group of people, you don't have to outrun the bear, but only have to be faster than the slowest person. If Mr. T is chasing you, you're dead no matter what.
Mr. T's penis is so intimidating that it was offered a spot on the group of judges for American Idol. However, this offer was dropped because Simon Cowell didn't want a bigger dick than he was at the judges table.
To limit the price of killing people, Mr. T created the element lead so he could shoot things at people which had a density similar to gold.
Mr. T puts the 'T' in pity. Without the 'T' it would just be piy - and that's just plain silly.
The fact that Mr. T can't feel pain or remorse made him the perfect gladiator. It is also known that he can travel through time at will.
The only reason Mr. T is not Dr. T is because his thesis, entitled "Fools and Those Who Pity Them", only had a photo of Mr. T with his arms crossed. After the faculty questioned this, they were found dead with their testicles in their eye sockets, even the women. His thesis is still yet to be marked.
The last time Mr. T took a dump and flushed it, people thought that there were alligators in the New York sewers.
Mr. T sheds his skin twice monthly, he then lets a small african village feed off it for a week out of pity.
Recently a biographical trilogy has been released about Mr. T named Lord of the Rings. Where he pities the foolish hobbits and beats the shit out some crackas that were given him jibba jabba on Mount Doom.
God did not have the motivation to create the planet Earth until Mr. T told Him that He was a fool.
Mr. T's hair is in fact steel wool.
Mr. T was originally supposed to battle Rocky in a spelling bee. But when it was discovered all Mr. T had to do to win was stare at the judges with his arms crossed (coupled with the fact none of them could understand what Rocky was saying) they changed the script.
"YOU MAY BE A TALIBAN IF.."
1. You refine heroin for a living, but you have a moral objection to beer.
2. You own a $3,000 machine gun and $5,000 rocket launcher, but you can't afford shoes.
3. You have more wives than teeth.
4. You wipe your butt with your bare left hand, but consider bacon "unclean."
5. You think vests come in two styles: bullet-proof and suicide.
6. You can't think of anyone you HAVEN'T declared Jihad against.
7. You consider television dangerous, but routinely carry explosives in your clothing.
8. You were amazed to discover that cell phones have uses other than setting off roadside bombs.
9. You've ever uttered the phrase, "I love what you've done with your cave."
10. You have nothing against women and think every man should own at least one.
^lol
Good 'ol Chuck Norris joke.
Chuck Norris, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stallone were competing to sit in the seat next to God. Arnold was first. He said that he deserved to sit in that seat because he was the Terminater. Then, it was Sylvester's turn. He said he deserved to sit in the seat because he was Rocky, the WORLD-KNOWN BOXER, and could kill people in a match. Finally, it was Chuck Norris' turn. He glanced into the eyes of God and said, "Hey, you're in my seat!"
the sun doesnt actually rise, it only reflects off chuck norris red hair when he wakes up in the morning
I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people
whats funnier than nailing a baby to a wall??
ripping it off
whats funnier than throwing a baby in the air
watching it hit the ground
if anyones pissed about these im sorry
:o
Quote from: Atomic on Jun 19, 2008, 08:54 AM
I'm not racist, racism is a crime, and crime is for black people
lol
Knock Knock
Who's there?
9/11
(http://cdn2.mixrmedia.com/wp-uploads/girlybubble/blog/2011/07/troll-face.png)
Mr. T is a faggot.
HAHAHAHAHHAAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHAHA
Chuck Norris sucked my dick.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Trey once penetrated his English teacher's cornhole.
HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA
a priest and a rabbi walk out of a bar and see a 7 year old boy. the priest says "hey, let's fuck that little boy" and the rabbi says "out of what?".
Two saggy tits were hanging out when one said to the other ; "We need to get some support before people start to think we're nuts."
(http://media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lntyo7GIfd1qb6wx2.png)
that one was funny,love it. don't know why though
I think the 'Don't Walk' sign is pretty insensitive towards people with no legs
Where are cocoons from?
Cocompton
What's the difference between marmelade and jam?
You can't marmelade your dick down someones throat.
Sorry an old man told me that at work and I had to share.
Rick Astley came to my house one day. He said he wanted to borrow some Disney Pixar movies.
And so I told him:
"You can borrow Toy Story and Wall-E, but I'm never gonna give you Up."
(excuse me for double posting)
Did you guys hear about the man who cooled himself to absolute zero?
He's still 0K!
Karma is like 69
You get what you give