Pink MaggitDeftones - Pink MaggitI suggest you to listen to the song while you read my story.
As some of you may know, it is my all-time favorite track. Not just my favorite Deftones' song, but my favorite song at all. This song, as well as the whole White Pony actually, completely changed my life. Yes, the " their music changed my life " deal sounds pretty common, but if the way it changed my life is as common, then the Deftones have done something big to the world.A couple of years ago, I was a stupid and impulsive teenager. In the era I'm implying, I was 17. Everything had been and was shit. Not from my never-satisfied-kid point of view, but objectively. My parents were my worst enemies due to all the traumas they were injecting to me and themselves, the place I was living at was dirty and filled with insanity, I was desperately looking for someone to love but I was only having random fucks here and there, nothing to be proud about. Sex for sex doesn't work for me. It's just a sample, I don't want to spread everything I've been through in my life because I do not want to sound like a whiner but I honestly wish as many of you guys never experiment what my life was until last year. But to bring the context in, I have to let you know that my life had the anatomy of a fiasco.
I even remember, I was so disgusted, fed up with everything I wouldn't even take care of my look either. I had very long hair and some really heinous beard. A bad impersonation of Daryl Palumbo from 2006 (See him here:
http://a3.sphotos.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash4/208821_158792820846945_100001486852510_330732_5179099_n.jpg). I wouldn't eat, I was skinny as fuck. I wasn't doing that on purpose, I was just not hungry at all. An overhaired melancholic skeleton...
But I didn't care, I seriously didn't care about anything anymore. For years, I had been looking for something transcendent, something that would take it to another level, that would make me say " Life is worth it, it's not so grey everywhere after all, there is something, this little something special that makes me glad about living ". But I was done looking for it. I was convinced it would never happen just due to it being absolutely impossible at that point. At the end of the year, I was skipping school everyday, instead of going to school and preparing for the upcoming final exams of my high school years, I would take the train to Brussels to get drunk with some friends in some dirty overtagged spot, it looked like the average white powder dealers headquarters. I would get drunk with Jack Daniel's (most importantly) everyday and try to forget about that grey, tasteless and meaningless existence. I was a seriously fucked up lost soul. I was never complaining to anybody because I hate that and I've never wanted to bother anyone with my problems, but still I was feeling it more than ever, I couldn't fake it, I couldn't go on... Every day would end with hardcore parties implying sex, alcohol and decadence. And probably vomit. I am not proud of that era at all. It's important to deal with regrets but I still have some troubles with that one...
And one of those days, after everybody fell asleep or collapsed in their own puke, the sound system of my friend was still on and someone had put White Pony to play. It was halfway through Feiticeira. I was a Deftones fan way before that, my love for White Pony was already here and wasn't a new born, but this is where everything happened to make it the most impactful record I've ever heard. The imagery, the lyrics, the violence/sensuality mix, the decadence, the depression that would obviously never end. From that moment, I closed my eyes and listened to the whole record. The feelings from that moment are yet to be correctly described. At some point, I felt like I was flying over the whole planet, at some other point, I felt like I was fucking the most beautiful woman ever conceived, etc, etc.
White Pony is a masterpiece.Then came on Pink Maggit. That's where I would be changed forever. The depression was carving deeper in my veins as I was listening to the song, I was more convinced than ever that this feeling would follow me forever and the transcendence I was looking for was an absolute naïve utopia. I cried. Silently, but massively. And at the same time, there was a smile on my face. The song was telling me:
" This depression is a part of life. Deflects and flaws of the world are overwhelming you and it's too much, but you must deal with it. You have to. You can. Melancholy will always be there, but you will manage to live with it and to feel satisfaction from it, because since you can find beauty in what's the mildest stuff to people's mind, since you've been through everything, since you know what you're going to experiment for the rest of your life, once you're back to school, you'll be the leader of it all. "
I know this is not the song topic and it's far from the lyrics, but Chino writes songs in order to make people bring up their own interpretations, and that's mine.
After that, I listened to it another dozen of times, and cried my unsatisfaction out. Then I slept for a bit. The next morning, I woke up, went back home, had a serious wash and finally got back to serious things. I wasn't less convinced that my melancholy would stop. I was just convinced there's a way to make it beautiful, to feel extremely good about it, to feel pleasure, delightment and relief. Deftones make depression beautiful, they're the proud sons of The Cure on that point, you know. I had to move on, to control my life, to make everything better myself since nothing, nobody would help me. And even though, like I said, I was still sure melancholy would be my daily bread forever, I started to...
Hope.
Today, I'm finally happy. I'm living on my own, studying interesting things and I just recently got engaged to that woman I had dreamt of on that big night.
Melancholy is still here sometimes, I still feel like there's something missing, that I'm not flying high enough, but for the most part, I am glad, happy, and satisfied. Because of all the battles I gave my whole soul and body into, because of that slight hope Deftones created in me, because of all the work I've done all fucking alone. Thanks to Pink Maggit. Thanks to the Deftones.
Melancholy is my drug. I'm an addict. But I use it wisely. There are ways to.
I don't care if I don't win, if some people can relate to my story and make their life better, it would be the real victory.
Once again, I didn't want to sound like the average whiner, so sorry if this is what it did to some of you people, but when you speak with your heart, it'll probably happen too.
