long post
tl;dr
[spoiler]- It's devastating. I can't make decent music = fullfil the dream of my life that revolves just around making music. Or either I can't make music that is refined, focused and finished, polished. And I want to be a professional.. Yeah sure. Over seven or eight years of music making I wrote, recorded, played, sang and (sometimes) released in album form around 300 tracks. I used to make really shitty music, ambient nonsense where tracks are 9 minutes long and three chords are repeated to death. Then I switched over to
post-rock (as "the Picturesque Episodes") and it's forms, wrote some quality music that was produced poorly and a vision that is always rushed kept being released in form of albums. So I never really succeeded..
And only recently (a year or more) I shifted towards
electronic music that I love making, beats, bass, all kinds of influences, releasing the music under the name King Sleep. I feel like my progress is infinite from where I started (know that as most of you who are musicians I don't have any kind of musical training schooling) but from all of these tracks.. none of them are polished, none of them are finished. Always a step behind. Always something lacking.
I did play probably around 30 or 40 shows during these years, both with a live rock band, or as one man project, with audience building up but never really breaking out. I am 25 and it feels like I have to start making decisions about the long term future, and it seems that it's about time to give up on all this because music does take time.. time that I could sell to all of the corporate fantasy bullshit. I love music way too much to stop making it, so I would probably record small pieces for myself from time to time.. but it all seems as an opportunity wasted, a dream untrue, tons of bad luck. There's a sense of missing out, when I clearly know that some local musicians just make acid jazz and some other rather bad music and it's glorified. And it will sound narcissistic but I don't think I am getting enough positive encouragment. Music is truly social, isn't it?
I wish there were signs that this road is for me. My music is becoming universal in the sense of meaning and creation and I could be making any kind of music any time soon, because all forms of music are beautiful in their own way. And I just can't seem to write that one song that would open up all of the possibilities in music. It's disappointing. And I can't say that I have a bad life - it's rather good actually, but this one element, it just keeps coming back. It's truly essential to my existence as a human being. It's fucking with my mind to a point where I am slowly driven mad by this lack of leveling up as a person, musician, etc.
What a waste of time..
[/spoiler]
